I miss you

I miss you. I know it by the way it hurts to breathe when I think of you. Realize it when I can't seem to function through the day. Everything has changed, it's as if I am stuck in the middle of a game that I don't really like to play and someone switched the rules just as I was making headway.

This is not the way it is supposed to be. People our age do not die this easily. It was the flu, it wasn't supposed to be serious. Yet, here I am and you're gone. I'm tired, emotionally drained, and I really don't think anyone understands. I appear the same on the outside, but inside it's all changed. No one can see it, but I feel it.

Laughs that were so easy once, can't seem to be found. Jokes that I always had ready to make someone smile are frozen and can't make their way to my brain. It's dark there. It seems darker everywhere. It's feels forced ... it all feels forced.

I've always found comfort in my faith. But that faith is the very thing eating at me when I think of you. You had no time for God, no time to deal with any of that stuff that far to often people don't think about until death is so very close. But for you, it didnt' give you a chance to breathe as it approached. It was just there. And this fact eats at me. It's festering and building and I don't know how to deal with it. You fall in the hands of a just God. An honorable God, a loving God but when you turn someone away do they necessarily have to be there when you won't? Were you able to recognize for a split second what needed to be done? What you needed? Who was there for you?

It hurts to breathe. It hurts to move on. It hurts to lean on faith, when the path you have left behind has none to shine.

I'm so tired. No one really understands. My faith teaches me one thing. My heart wants and needs to believe something else entirely. There are things I don't understand, things God knows that I cannot and am not equipped to understand. But right now, it's just so hard to move. It's so hard to breathe. It's so hard to speak and I'm just so tired.

My friend Sashi is Hindu. She believes we all come back that we "recycle" that more chances to grow are there. Perhaps God does this, I don't know. As a Christian I belive in God. I believe in his Son. I believe in the scriptures. I experience a relationship with God. Yet, still I know there are unknowns, so I can discount nothing. But the absence of peace gets harder and harder with every new dawning day.